Buzzing sound headed this way-6/5/00-Column by David Wecker
The last thing I want to do is alarm anyone, much less write anything that might incite widespread panic. But just let me say this:
YOUR HOME IS ABOUT TO BE INVADED BY THINGS THAT HAVE MORE LEGS THAN YOU!!!!
That's the word from Bery Pannkuk, who pronounces his last name ''pan-cook.'' The way I remember his name is, you've got a pan, and pans are something you cook with. Anyway, Bery is the pest control service manager at Scherzinger Pest Control, which since 1934 has been in the business of snuffing pests, the non-human kind at least. It would be nice if Scherzinger would do to telemarketers what it does to carpenter ants, but it doesn't.
''This invasion is the last thing you can blame on El Nino,'' Bery says.
''Last winter's mild weather made it possible for a whole lot more bugs and critters to avoid freezing to death. So we've got a whole lot more mice, spiders, racoons, ants, flies, wasps - just about everything people don't want in their homes.
''The days are getting shorter, temperatures are dropping and this is the time of year when these things are looking for nice warm places to spend the winter. Like inside your home.''
Plus, the wet spring caused everything to green up nicely, providing plenty of lush cover and nesting material for all the wildlife that survived. On top of that, you might have sprinkled your lawns and shrubs during the summer dry spell, further attracting alternative life forms to your immediate surroundings.
''I firmly believe every attic in Cincinnati has mice, unless you're already under a pest-control program,'' Bery says.
''And even then, mice are tough to control. You know, they can slip through a hole a quarter-inch in diameter, right? So you've got more mice, which means more snakes - or, at least, a greater likelihood that snakes will be drawn to peoples' homes.
''Of course, snakes aren't bad because they do pest control for you. Still, people don't like them in their homes. I've been getting calls from people who are finding snakeskins in their basements. I tell them, "Look, the real problem is, you've got mice.'
''Some people don't like to hear that. Some people, they see a waterbug in their driveway and they want us to make their house glow in the dark.''
Bery pulls a 6-inch stack of phone messages from his desk, each representing a call from a homeowner who's had an indoor encounter with nature. Here are some examples of the kinds of complaints, other than those regarding snakes, that he's been receiving lately:
Pennsylvania wood roaches.
''People hate them, but they're not the roach you're probably thinking of,'' Bery says.
''They're a true outdoor roach, unlike the German cockroach, which is generally associated with bad restaurants. They're just looking to stay warm, so they might settle into a pile of mulch or the firewood you keep in your garage.''
Citronella ants.
Bery pulls a jar of them from his desk, dumps one into his palm, squashes it between his thumb and forefinger and invites me to take a sniff. Guess what they smell like.
''This is a fall ant that's swarming right now,'' Bery says.
''People think they're termites. They'll see a swarm on the side of their house and freak. But they don't hurt anything. Give them a couple days - they'll go away.''
Hackberry gnats.
''If you have a hackberry tree or an elm, you can have literally millions of these things,'' he says. ''They're tiny, small enough to crawl through your window screening. The way you can tell if you have them is you find yourself walking through clouds of them at your back door when the light's on.''
The upshot is, before long, these creatures and others like them will be be infesting your walls, living it up in your carpets and plotting in your attic. My first impulse is to hose down the Wecker compound with poison, although Bery thinks I'd be better off calling a competent pest-control specialist.
I feel vulnerable, helpless. So many invaders, so few of me.
''And that's just the tip of the iceberg,'' Bery says.
''You've got bobcats in Delhi Township - I've seen them. You've got badger in West Chester. You've got beaver in Newtown.
''Everything is coming back, moving in. Nature is adapting to us far better than we've ever adapted to it.''
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